csa2 chronicles, revised

[pubpc1@library.ucla.edu]

Last year on csa2:


As the world turns...activity on comp.sys.apple2 buzzes.  Let's drop in and
have a look.  Hey, a Macintosh user has just stumbled into the newsgroup!

<Macintosh user>  Hello, can someone tell me how to connect my
     ImageWriter II?  I have an Apple IIci.
<Nathan Mates>  Hey bozo, you're posting in the wrong newsgroup.
     (Nathan takes out his flamethrower...poof, Mac user is dead)
<User #1>  Hi, I am eight years old looking for help on the Video
     Overlay Card.
<Nathan Mates>  Hey kid, don't post until you learn some grammar.
     (Smokes the kid with his flamethrower)
<User #2>  AppleWorks doesn't work for me.  It seems like a primitive
     word processor, but I need a program that shows me the whole
     page.  Will WordPerfect GS work?  Where do I get it?
<User #3>  WordPerfect GS has a full screen preview.
<User #4>  You need a desktop publishing program like GraphicWriter
     III.
<Joe Kohn>  I publish a newsletter with AppleWorks.  It is great
     if you use it in conjunction with AppleWorks GS.
<User #5>  Yes, we publish our newsletter with AppleWorks GS.
<Nathan Mates>  You idiot, no WordPerfect IIe doesn't do full
     screen zoom.  NO APPLE II PROGRAM DOES!  (Giddily zaps
     the guy with his flamethrower).
<Dr. Tom>  Hey, someone wiped my site, Joe did you do that?
     You said I stole Ms. Pacman.
<Joe Kohn>  You stole it.
<Dr. Tom>  No I did not.
<Joe Kohn>  Yes you did!
<Dr. Tom>  No I did not.
<Joe Kohn>  Yes you did!  Excuse me, I have to go to KansasFest.
<Nathan Mates>  Yo, Turley, don't lie.  (Tries to flame Dr. T).
<Dr. Tom>  Nanananananana!  (Uses his ice gun to neutralize Nate's
     flamethrower).
<Nathan Mates>  HEY!  (Starts to flame everyone in sight).

[For several eons, the land of comp.sys.apple2 is plunged into
a darkness of fire and ice.  One day, Joe Kohn returns...]

<User #6>  Nathan, why don't you stop flaming...
<Nathan Mates>  F*** off pal (smokes the guy) I only flame idiots
     and liars.  When idiots like Dr. Tom post, we have a license
     to flame!  It is not just me, Henrik Gudat and Joe Kohn flame
     everyone too.
<Joe Kohn>  Hold on Nathan, I don't flame.  All I did was correct
     Dr. Tom since he did steal my disks.  That's not flaming.
     In fact, this flame war has got to stop.

[With Kohn back and the whole of csa2 behind the quest to stop the
flame war, Dr. Tom makes an exit.  Nathan Mates sulks away, having
been told by grownups that he can't play with his flamethrower.
Henrik Gudat returns from vacation and laughs at rumors about his
demise...]

<Henrik Gudat>  Has Nathan been telling lies that I left for good?
<Joe Kohn>  (laugh) Yes, he tried to use you as ammunition for his
    stupid flame war.
<Henrik Gudat>  How pathetic.  I'm going to write a program that
    parodies flamethrowing.  Hopefully, people will realize how
    stupid it is.
<User #5>  (runs the software)  Hey this is fun.  "Bozo Gudat"
<Henrik Gudat>  Here's one "Joe Cob"
<Joe Kohn>  Cool, can't get enough of it "Bozo"  ;)

[Nathan Mates, watching this, jumps back in.  Somehow, he has
gotten hold of some old FAQs]

<Nathan Mates>  I'm now the god of FAQs!
<User #5>  What?
<Nathan Mates>  Trying to flame me, huh (Smokes the guy).
<User #7>  I thought you agreed not to flame?
<Nathan Mates>  Hey, the others even have a program to flame.
    that gives me a LICENSE to do so!
<User #7>  That's a parody, you fool.
<Nathan Mates>  DON'T LIE!  (Smoke)
<Nathan Mates>  People should be made to read my FAQs before they
    are allowed to post.  Like getting a drivers license.  Bow to
    the god of FAQs, ME!
<User #8>  People still drink and drive.
<User #9>  What's this got to do with the Apple II.
<Nathan Mates>  Shut up!  (Smoke)
<User #10>  Hey Nathan, some of the info in the FAQ is wrong.
<Nathan Mates>  I didn't write it, I'm just god of it!
<User #10>  So what good is it going to do new users to make
    them read it?
<Nathan Mates>  DON'T LIE (Smokes him with glee!).
<User #11>  Hello, I am a new user.  I have just heard about an
    Apple IIgs.  What is it?
<Tighlman>  It is a computer.
<Nathan Mates>  Read the reference manuals.  It is NOT JUST A
    COMPUTER.  It is a 16 bit CPU, Apple II compatible...(proceeds
    to quote the entire technical reference manual).
<Tighlman>  Gee Nathan, I was just simplifying it to get the user
    started.
<Nathan Mates>  Simplify my ass, just TELL THE TRUTH! (Flames the
    poor guy) ... and let that be a lesson to you all.  Unless
    you've got a degree in computer science from Cal Tech, don't
    bother posting here!
<User #11>  What does all that data mean?
<Nathan Mates>  Learn to read, fool!  (Flame)
<User #12>  Help!
<Nathan Mates>  (Smoke) Good riddance.  No one looking for help
    is welcome in this here newsgroup.
<User #13>  Hello, I'm new...
<Nathan Mates>  (Smoke) New users are not welcome!
<User #14>  Is this the...
<Nathan Mates>  F*** it!  No one is welcome but me!  (Starts to
    flame the whole csa2.)

[For eons hence, csa2 looks like Hell with Satan Mates at the helm.
The old newsgroup burns in a fire of hate as canisters of napalm
fuel his relentless flaming.  As 1996 drew to a close, however, in
the interest of peace Dr. Tom retreated from sight and only posted
occasionally.  As people began to concentrate on helping each other,
Nate turned his obsessive energies into expanding his FAQ threefold.
All was well, but soon Nate grew restless again.  With Dr. Tom still
out of the picture, he had to find a new outlet for his flamethrower.]


Present day:

<Jeremy>  Hello, I'm a new GS user.  Who's still making software for
     this computer?

[Nate wants to flame Jeremy for posting a question and chide him
for not knowing about and reading his FAQ first, but someone else
answers first.]

<Scott>  Alltech, Sequential, Seven Hills, Shareware Solutions II.
     You should get GS/OS from SSII.
<Gina>  I'm going to teach a first grade class with a lab full of
     Apple IIgs computers.  I'm a Mac user.  How do I download on
     the Mac and transfer programs to and use them on the GS?

[Now Nate loves to slam the Macintosh for its use of resource forks,
even though he knows full well that the GS has programs that deal
with them just fine.  He prepares to flame Gina for not reading his
FAQ, for being a Mac user, and looks over his self-written manifesto
on why it is all the Mac's fault.  Unfortunately, someone else answers
first.]

<Scott>  You need the HFS FST from System 6.0.1, which can read
     Mac disks.  You need GSCII+ which is to the GS like BinHex is
     to the Mac.  You need GSHK which is to the GS like Stuff-It
     is to the Mac.  You can get all three from Joe Kohn's SSII.
<Toby>  There is no need to get System 6.0.1 on disk.  You can
     download them from Apple's FTP site and unpack them on the
     Macintosh.  ProTYPE from ground also helps.

[Now Nate is really frustrated.  Then he sees an opening...]

<Joe Kohn>  Excuse me, my license does not allow me to distribute
     System Software.  The Byte Works can, though.
<Scott>  Really?  Sorry, what's the web address of Byte Works so
     that I can have the correct info.
<Nate>  Haha!  F*** you!  (Smokes him with his flamethrower)
        I'm gonna flame you until you get the correct info.
<Michael>  Is there a GS program to decode BinHex?  Where on ground
     do I find it?
<Nate>  ANOTHER stupid question?  Bug the admins, fool! (Flame!)
<Scott>  You can find it...
<Nate>  Shut the f*** up until you get your FAQs straight! (Smoke!)
<Toby>  No need to hurt the Apple II community, Nathan.
<Nate>  Cool it, pal. (Smoke!)
<Scott> 8MB is great...
<Nate>  Are you kidding?  Don't say shit until you come up with some
     hard numbers.  The FAQ is that you have to turn your DMA off so
     you get much slower access on the hard disk.
<Scott>  I don't notice the difference.
<Nate>  Shun wishful thinking, you fool. (Flame)  What an idiot.
<Scott>  I timed it.  11 sec boot with DMA on and 12 sec off.  I don't
     normally notice it.
<Nate>  Aw, shut up.  (Smoke)
<New User>  What's a GS?
<Scott>  For starters, it is a computer with an Ensoniq sound chip.
<Nate>  Ignore Scott.  His oversimplifications are lies.  (Smoke)
     The GS is a computer that (proceeds to quote the entire technical
     reference manual) it measures (refers the user to 15 FAQs, 200
     pages each) and you were stupid not to know it before.

[And so csa2 once again descends into a sea of flames.  Nate has
turned to flaming people who want to help.  Says Nate "This is so
fun!  Now I can flame the helpers AND the people who ask questions!"]

-Scott G.