CyberSpace: The Final Frontier

[joko@crl.com (Joe Kohn)]

Since everyone else is trying their hand at satire...

CyberSpace: The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the cybership
csa2. It's on-going mission: to explore strange new cyber-worlds, to geek
out new life and new civilizations, to boldly flame where no one has
flamed before.

Star Date: 100796

Captain's Log: Star Fleet Command has just dispatched the cybership csa2
to help put down a rebellion on Planet Usenet and to restore order.
Certain prophets have appeared on that planet and they are spreading
falsehoods. Star Fleet Command has ordered us to defeat the forces of
evil on Planet Usenet, and to make the planet safe for its citizens, once
again.

Lt Cmdr Cold Fusion: Captain, we're approaching Planet Usenet.

Capt Gudat: Assume standard orbit.

Counselor Kohn: I sense that there's great anxiety on the planet below. I
can detect massive amounts of hostility and anger.

Security Officer Bennett: Should we power up FlameStation XL, Captain?

Captain Gudat: Let's wait and see if they need a flaming.

Minutes pass. First Science Officer Mates ties the planet usenet's radio
network into the starship csa2's computers. Twists dials. Listens...

Voice #1: I am a god and you <static>. Bow down to the great <static>.
Voice #2: The great Doctor Doctor has spoken.
Voice #3: Do we have to listen to him anymore? Isn't he a little crazy?
Voice #1: I am <static> mover and shaker <static>.
Voice #4: I just got here. What's going on?
Voice #3: Flame War seems inevitable.

First Science Officer Mates: I have detected life-signs below.
Apparently, the inhabitants of planet usenet are already revolting
against the false prophet.

Security Officer Bennett: I say we flame 'em from orbit.

Lt Cmdr Cold Fusion: What are you, some kind of head banging moron?

Counselor Kohn: Tricorder readings indicate that some of the inhabitants
of the planet usenet have gone mad.

Security Officer Bennett: I say we flame 'em from orbit.

Captain Gudat: Let's get a complete report from the Science Officer.

First Science Officer Mates: As best as I can tell, problems started a
year or two ago, when the false prophet first appeared. He has gained a
following, but he has had to hurt all of the repectable citizens of the
planet usenet in order to maintain control over his meager forces.

Lt Cmdr Cold Fusion: Are you saying that there's a madman in charge?

Captain Gudat: Shields Up. Red Alert. Power up FlameStation XL. On my
mark, aim at the false prophets' stronghold, and emit a flame burst every
2 seconds. Make It So!

<At this point, flames erupt everywhere. Chaos ensues on the planet
below.)

The False Prophet: <cough, cough> All my followers are gone, and I myself
suffer great mental anguish. It is time to offer a truce, and to take the
only honorable way out of this mess. I will leave Planet Usenet forever.

The Entire Crew Of The Cybership csa2: Hurray! We have defeated the false
prophet.

Captain Gudat: Good job! We can now return to our regular mission of 
helping out those people who need the assistance of the cybership csa2.

Announcer: Stay tuned for an all new episode next week, as the cybership
csa2 spreads knowledge through the galaxy.