csa2 chronicles

[pubpc1@library.ucla.edu]

As the world turns...activity on comp.sys.apple2 buzzes.  Let's
drop in and have a look.  Hey, a Macintosh user has just stumbled
into the newsgroup!

<Macintosh user>  Hello, can somone tell me how to connect my
    ImageWriter II?  I have an Apple IIci.
<Nathan Mates>  Hey bozo, you're posting in the wrong newsgroup.
    (Nathan takes out his flamethrower...poof, Mac user is dead)
<User #1>  Hi, I am eight years old looking for help on the Video
    Overlay Card.
<Nathan Mates>  Hey kid, don't post until you learn some grammar.
    (Smokes the kid with his flamethrower)
<User #2>  AppleWorks doesn't work for me.  It seems like a primitive
    word processor, but I need a program that shows me the whole page.
    Will WordPerfect GS work?  Where do I get it?
<User #3>  WordPerfect GS has full screen preview.
<User #4>  You need a desktop publishing program like GraphicWriter
    III.
<Joe Kohn>  I publish a newsletter with AppleWorks.  It is great
    if you use it in conjunction with AppleWorks GS.
<User #5>  Yes, we publish a newsletter with AppleWorks GS.
<Nathan Mates>  You idiot, no WordPerfect IIe doesn't do full
    screen zoom.  NO APPLE II PROGRAM DOES!  (Giddily zaps
    the guy with his flamethrower).
<Dr. Tom>  Hey, someone wiped my site, Joe did you do that?
    You said I stole Ms. Pacman.
<Joe Kohn>  You stole it.
<Dr. Tom>  No I did not.
<Joe Kohn>  Yes you did!
<Dr. Tom>  Did not!
<Joe Kohn>  Did too!  Excuse me, I have to go to KansasFest.
<Nathan Mates>  Yo, Turley, don't lie!  (Tries to flame Dr. T).
<Dr. Tom>  Nanananana!  (Uses his ice gun to neutralize Nate's
    flamethrower).
<Nathan Mates>  HEY!  (Starts to flame everyone in sight).

[For several eons, the land of comp.sys.apple2 is plunged into
a darkness of fire and ice.  One day, Joe Kohn returns...]

<User #6>  Nathan, why don't you stop flaming...
<Nathan Mates>  F*** off pal (smokes the guy) I only flame idiots
    and liars.  When idiots like Dr. Tom post, we have a license
    to flame.  It is not just me, Henrik Gudat and Joe Kohn flame
    everyone too.
<Joe Kohn>  Hold on, Nathan, I don't flame.  All I did was correct
    Dr. Tom since he did steal my disks.  That's not flaming.
    In fact, this flame war has got to stop.

[With Kohn back and the whole of csa2 behind the quest to stop the
flame war, Dr. Tom makes an exit.  Nathan Mates sulks away, having
been told by grownups that he can't play with his flamethrower.
Herik Gudat returns from vacation and laughs at rumors about his
demise...]

<Henrik Gudat>  Has Nathan been telling lies that I left for good?
<Joe Kohn>  (laugh) Yes, he tried to use you as ammunition for his
    stupid flame war.
<Henrik Gudat>  How pathetic.  I'm going to write a program that
    parodies flamethrowing.  Hopefully, people will realize how
    stupid it is.
<User #5>  (runs the software)  Hey this is fun.  "Bozo Gudat"
<Henrik Gudat>  Here's one "Joe Cob"
<Joe Kohn>  Cool, can't get enough of it "Bozo"  ;)

[Nathan Mates, watching this, jumps back in.  Somehow, he has
gotten hold of some old FAQs]

<Nathan Mates>  I'm now the god of FAQs!
<User #5>  What?
<Nathan Mates>  Trying to flame me, huh (Smokes the guy).
<User #7>  I thought you agreed not to flame?
<Nathan Mates>  Hey, the others even have a program to flame,
    that gives me a LICENSE to do so!
<User #7>  That's a parody, you fool.
<Nathan Mates>  DON'T LIE!  (Smoke)
<Nathan Mates>  People should be made to read my FAQs before they
    are allowed to post.  Like getting a driver's license.  Bow to
    the god of FAQs, ME!
<User #8>  People still drink and drive.
<User #9>  What's this got to do with the Apple II?
<Nathan Mates>  Shut up!  (Smoke)
<User #10>  Hey Nathan, some of the info in the FAQs is wrong.
<Nathan Mates>  I didn't write them, I'm just god of them!
<User #10>  So what good is it going to do to make
    them to read it?
<Nathan Mates>  DON'T LIE!  (Smokes him with glee!).
<User #11>  Hello, I am a new user.  I have just heard about an
    Apple IIgs.  What is it?
<Tilghman>  It is a computer.
<Nathan Mates>  Read the reference manuals.  It is NOT JUST A
    COMPUTER.  It is a 16 bit CPU, Apple II compatible...(proceeds
    to quote the entire techinical reference manual).
<Tilghman>  Gee Nathan, I was just simplifying to get the new user
    started.
<Nathan Mates>  Simplify my ass, just TELL THE TRUTH!  (Flames
    the poor guy) ... and let that be a lesson to you all.  Unless
    you've got a degree in computer science from Cal Tech, don't
    bother posting here!
<User #11>  What does all this data mean?
<Nathan Mates>  Learn to read, fool!  (Flame)
<User #12>  Help!
<Nathan Mates>  (Smoke)  Good riddance.  No one looking for help
    is welcome in this here newsgroup.
<User #13>  Hello, I'm new...
<Nathan Mates> (Smoke).  New users are not welcome!
<User #14>  Is this the...
<Nathan Mates>  F*** it!  No one is welcome but me!  (Starts to
    flame the whole csa2.)

[For eons hence, csa2 looks like Hell with Satan Mates at the helm.
The old newsgroup burns in a fire of hte as canisters of propane
fuel his relentless flaming.  "You know I have been stockpiling
since I wrote my first resume...and I knew how to do it since I
was a baby!"]