Capn John Story

[John Le Febvre <John@klatch.demon.co.uk>]

Here's that Capn John story I've been meaning to post for a week or two 
now.  Hope you enjoy it!



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The Adventures of Cap'n John
Copyright (C) 1992 by Eric D. Shepherd
These stories may be distributed freely, as long as they remain unmodified.
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The Adventures of Cap'n John are, as you will probably guess, more scalding 
satire in regard to the computer industry in general, but is aimed in 
particular at people who insist on believing that every new computer 
released is actually a great leap in technology.  No offense is intended... 
well, okay, maybe just a little offense is intended.

I hope you enjoy the Adventures of Cap'n John, the dread pirate of the 
Pacific Rim.

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#1: The Adventures of Cap'n John
--------------------------------
The door to the cramped cabin slammed open with unbelievable force, 
frightening the criminals inside.  Cap'n John stood in the doorway, 
glowering mightily upon his men.  "Arrr," he growled, "we'll burn those 
buggers yet, mates!"

"How, Cap'n?" one of the braver men asked while he trimmed his rough beard 
with his cutlass.

Cap'n John dragged himself into the dank cabin, his peg leg thumping 
hollowly on the rotting planks of the deck.  "We'll sell overpriced 
hardware to unsuspecting landlubbers.  Har har har!"  He laughed cruelly as 
he glared at the crew with his one good eye.

The men all laughed along with the dreaded pirate, raising their mugs in 
his honor.  "Aye-aye, Cap'n John!" the first mate agreed. "Does you wants 
me ta run up the Scully and crossbones, cap'n?"

"Aye, mate.  Let's pillage 'em like we do ev'ry year, boys!"

The crew leapt to their feet, shouting and stomping.  Soon their hold would 
be filled with recently discontinued computers and their chests would be 
overflowing with doubloons given willingly by the villagers, frightened 
that they might not have the latest technology.

Cap'n John stood on the fo'castle and watched his crafty men convince the 
public that their hardware was obsolete, even though it had been only a few 
months since the last time they had come through to say the same thing.  
The Cap'n laughed heartily as the populace was again pillaged by his 
ravaging horde.


#2: Avast, Ye Scurvy Dog!
-------------------------
Cap'n John, the dreaded pirate, strode confidently into town, hailing his 
crew as they pillaged the masses.  He located an inn which had been ravaged 
by his men and entered.  The owner was hunched over his computer, designing 
a menu for the next week's meals.

Capn' John's cutlass made quick work of the machine.  "Bah!" he cried as he 
leapt atop the frightened innkeeper's desk, his boots further crushing the 
broken remnants of the former computer.  "Your computer is obsolete, ye 
scurvy dog!  You need to upgrade!"

The innkeeper replied, his voice trembling, "But I just bought it from you 
three weeks ago, Capn' John!"

"Aye, matee, but it's obsolete this week!  I'll sell you a new one for only 
twice what ye paid for this ancient heap.  What say ye?" asked the terrible 
pirate, placing the tip of his steel at the throat of the poor man.

The innkeeper cleared his throat.  "I'll take it!  What a bargain!" he 
cried in a high voice.  "The doubloons are in the chest behind the counter, 
Cap'n John!"

"Har!  I knew you'd see it my way, mate," the Cap'n rumbled as he dropped 
the new machine on the desk.  "I'll see ye in a month, innkeeper," warned 
the pirate as he left, lugging the chest with him.

"Thank you, Cap'n John!" cried the innkeeper as he wiped the sweat from his 
round face.  "I'll look forward to it!"


#3: Collision at Sea
--------------------
The pirate ship MacLintock set sail late in the evening as the sun began to 
set, leaving the town to smoulder gently behind it.  The wind was swift at 
her stern, driving her quickly out of the bay and into the open sea.  Cap'n 
John stood on the main deck, leaning on the rail and chewing his tobacco as 
he watched the sun sink from the summer sky.

His first mate came up from below.  The Cap'n turned his head and asked, 
"Well, matey, what was our take this month?"

The mate grinned a toothy grin, blinding Cap'n John on the gold.  "Even 
more than last month, Cap'n!"

The dread pirate guffawed.  "The blimey fools still ain't noticed that 
we're stiffing 'em!  Har har har!"

The mate nodded and was about to agree when the entire ship shook. From far 
above, in the crow's nest, came the shout: "We hit somethin', Cap'n!"

Cap'n John stumbled across the wildly bucking deck to the bridge. "Hard to 
starboard!" he cried.  "Arrr, what's happening?"

"We hit a galleon in the dark, Cap'n!  We never sawr it!"

"Aye, I understand, mate, these things happen," said the Cap'n as his blade 
slashed the pilot through the heart.

"We're goin' down!" came the cry from the remains of the fore deck.

"Blast and blimey!" cursed the pirate as he dashed toward the bow.  Through 
the darkness and fog, he could just make out the name of the ship the 
MacLintock had struck - the M.S. Dahs.  The Cap'n paused to scratch his 
head.  "What a bloody stupid name for a ship!"

The Dahs slipped off into the night, apparently undamaged by the 
confrontation.  The MacLintock struggled toward port, the waves breaking 
over the crushed bow.  The crew gallantly fought the sea, bailing water 
over the sides as best they could, but they feared the worst.  But Cap'n 
John had faith in his crew.

"Faster!" he bellowed.  "Bail faster or I'll blow your bloody heads off!" 
demanded the Cap'n as he brandished his weapon.

The ship made it to port early in the morning, and repairs were begun.  
Cap'n John took the opportunity to buy up all the used computers they could 
find and sell them to schools as new.


#4: The Attack of Big Bluebeard
-------------------------------
The MacLintock sailed from port again, her sails billowing in the soft 
wind.  As she left the shore behind her, the crew busied itself with the 
day-to-day tasks which were necessary to keep the ship afloat.

Early in the afternoon, a shout came down from the lookout: "Ship ho!"

Cap'n John clasped his hands together and grinned a toothy grin as he 
dragged himself up from his cabin to the bridge.  "Har, we've found us a 
ship to plunder and scuttle, mates!" he cried.

The pirate ship MacLintock steered for the other vessel.  The crew manned 
the guns, ready for a fight.  Finally the Cap'n gave the word: "Scare 'em, 
boys!"

The first shot echoed across the water, and the ball splashed into the sea 
just a few yards off the bow of the target.  After a moment, the other ship 
hoisted her flag of blue.

Cap'n John ordered, "Hard port!  It's Big Bluebeard!  Open fire!"

All ten guns roared, pouring smoke upon the water.  Three of the balls 
smashed into Bluebeard's ship, which immediately returned fire, a dozen 
shells loosed to the sky.

The MacLintock shook as six shots slammed through her sides.  "Fire at 
will, men!" shouted Cap'n John.

The two ships exchanged fire again as they drew closer together.  Cap'n 
John leapt atop the rail, clinging to a handy rope as he drew his cutlass. 
 "Har!  Let's board 'er, mates!"  he cried as he jumped down into the other 
vessel.

The battle was swiftly ended when Big Bluebeard disarmed Cap'n John and 
flung him overboard.  Cap'n John's crew fished him out of the water and 
retreated, having been sharply curtailed by Bluebeard's stiff competition. 
 The pirate ship MacLintock made for the nearest port.

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- Eric S.



-- 
John.
john@klatch.demon.co.uk