late 1980s, IIgs humour

[rambler@nowhere.net (rambler)]

>  
>  
>    Ever watch a TV show and someone'll say:
>  
>    "Take this, you son-of-a-[BEEP]!!"?
>  
>    And you, of course, fill in the missing word.
>  
>    "Son-of-a-Bitch," you say in your mind.
>  
>    And so does every human being who hears the beep, because the mind
> naturally completes recognized patterns, no matter how fragmented they
> are. We know that "bitch" follows "son of a" just like night follows
> day or Pete Rose follows bookies.  Unless of course you're Russian.
> Then, "son of" is usually followed by "Ivan" or "Mikhail" or somesuch
> male Russian name that reminds you of various blackspots on the
> otherwise clean and white tapestry of Russian history.
>  
>    But anyways, I was talking about how censors cover-up swear words
> with bleeps and stupid sound effects. The whole reason they go through
> all this bullshit and cut up decent movies into nonsequential nonsense
> is so our children won't hear words usually only associated with the
> description of Apple products.
>  
>    Now, I don't wanna get on anyone's case about this, but I am wholly
> amazed by Apple's IIGS system. This is the most mazing case of reverse
> technology in computer history! In the age of the 386/33 and the
> 486/25, Apple Computer comes out with a machine that runs at an
> astounding 2 mHz!  AND, you can speed it up to a blinding 2.5 mHz.
> HOLY SHIT! Two point five?  You know how they play THAT one off? The
> salespeople tell ya "Yeah, and the high-speed mode speeds up the CPU
> 25 PERCENT!" What the HELL is this?!  Did some dude at Apple get Woz
> really plastered and then say:
>  
>      "Hey Steve! I'll tell ya what -- if we can't beat 'em at making
> the fastest machine, by God -- we'll beat 'em at making the SLOWEST!"?
>  
>      Because they DID!
>  
>      This thing's like a slug in winter! And as if this Yugo CPU wasn't bad
> enough, they get a disk drive straight out of computer Hell! You ever load a
> program on a Commodore 64? I mean waiting 20 minutes for Zork to load may
> have seemed like a long time then, but you load Zork on a IIGS, and boy, you
> are in for a WAIT! Your grandkids'll be sittin' there waitin' for that
> fucker to load. I'm not joking! If you have a monitoring program, you can
> see the drive plinking off bits in a completely leisurely manner. Plodding
> doesn't even BEGIN to describe it!  Plodding suggests MOVEMENT, and if
> can master the almost Zen Buddhist-like art of sitting still in front of a
> II GS drive long enough to detect the motion of the disk, then you've got
> pretty good idea of what taking THORAZINE is like! If you can sit still that
> long, you're qualified to be a National Monument!
>  
>      And when you pay for it, it's like you bought a C-64, BUT AT AN
> IBM PRICE! A good (and that's a word not commonly used in conjuncture
> with "GS") system will put you back close to $3,000! You can get a
> decent (there's another one of those aforementioned words) 286 system
> for that!  And a 286/12 kicks this thing's ass so many ways you can't
> count 'em!  (at least not on a GS).
>  
>      They call it "GS", but they don't tell you it stands for "Goddamn SLOW"!
>  
>      Oh, it's got great graphics. Serious, this thing's got the
> graphics.  But it's like having unlimited credit at a Goodwill shop!
> You'll also wait MONTHS before their demo picture of the golden King
> Tut finally gets to the screen. The whole time, at wholly random
> intervals, you'll get messages like:
>  
>     "Now computing byte 53, bit 6, of 648,457 bytes. Next report in 20 mkNf."
>  
>      And just about the time you've gotten the .12 gauge outta the
> closet with the computracide on your mind, the little fucker'll pop up
> some Fable ROM program imbedded in its enfeebled memory and tell you a
> little a story like:
>  
>     "Once upon a time, there was a sloth and a cheetah. The cheetah
> was a very fast cat and the sloth a plodding oaf. Too many times was
> the cheetah caught speeding by the CHP (oh hey, for those of you who
> have the unfortunate fate of living outside California, CHP means
> California Highway Patrol) and the CHP sawed the poor cheetah's legs
> off.
>  
>     "Moral: People who buy fast machines often get their legs sawn off."
>  
>     You stand there, looking dumbfounded.
>  
>     "What?" you ask yourself.
>  
>     And the GS answers:
>  
>     "Now computing byte 53, bit 7, of 648,457 bytes. Next report in 20mins."
>  
>      You'll blast that son of a -----  (y'all said 'bitch', dinja? See?
> straight to computer Hell where some poor bastard'll hafta wait for it to
> compute PI to 20 billion digits (NOW you know why you need PI calculate
> billion digits!) before he can go to Heaven!
>  
>      THIS THING IS A TURD! It's a cattle-dropping of a computer! The
> day Apple introduced this li'l gem was forever to be known as "The Day
> Silicon Valley Smelled like BULLSHIT" because if you call a turd "a
> rose", IT'S STILL A TURD! I don't care what PR says! If it's brown and
> smells like shit, IT'S PROBABLY A TURD!
>  
>      You want to have some fun with an Apple Dealer? Get dressed in
> your best business suit and walk into AppleLand or any store that only
> sells Apple and go up to a dealer. Look for the slimiest one. Tell him
> you've been thinking about getting a II GS for your family for months
> and have finally decided to buy the best II GS system available. Now
> if you could only see a demo, you would be convinced that you were
> spending your money wisely.  They'll put on the dog and pony show for
> ya and show you some cute program.
>  
>      Then tell the dealer you use "Harvard Graphics" a lot at work (or
> any other HUGE program they have II GS versions of) and seeing how it
> looks on the II GS would close the deal. And the whole time, talk
> about hard drives, expensive monitors, and lots of software. But don't
> over-do it or they'll figure you out.
>  
>      But anyway, when he plops in the full 1.8 meg floppy to be read
> at 300 baud by the disk drive, you start a conversation, and casually
> introduce how speed in a computer is important to you. Mention the
> fact that you work with a 386/33 at your office and tell him that the
> baby really flies!  Keep talking about how impressed you are with the
> 22 millisecond access time on a Compaq 110 megabyte hard drive. Tell
> 'em how you load MS Windows in 3 seconds. 2 seconds for Harvard
> Graphics.  Then, VERY casually look at the II GS drive, then look at
> your watch.  Frown.  Do it again with a very slight look of disbelief.
> Ask, "Is it done yet?" quizzically . . .
>  
>      Watch the little weasel SWEAT!
>  
>      Oh, it will do you a WORLD of good!
>  
>      Caution! If you start busting up now, it's OVER! You won't EVEN
> stop! But if he recovers and gets the conversation going again, just
> look over towards the drive every so often and sound slightly more
> irritated each time you reply to the dealer. THEN: Look at the drive
> and then at your watch again.  Look the dealer right in the eye and
> ask, "Is it done loading yet?" with a little more irritation.
>  
>      Just see how many times you can repeat the cycle. When the Dealer
> starts getting really pissed about being asked "Is it done loading
> yet?" a million times and gets rude, or the program actually loads,
> you close the deal. But then look at the computer, then at your watch
> and tell him "I need to reconsider this.  I'll come by again if I
> decide to stay with this machine." Look at the machine and shake your
> head while saying "But it's doubtful," and walk out.
>  
>      You will have fucked that guy's day!
>  
>      If you wanna really dangle the dude on the hook, get him to admit
> Compaq is superior to Apple. Just mention the 386/33 in your "office"
> again and then ask:
>  
>      "What does this machine run at? 10 megahertz? 8?"
>  
>      "2" the Dealer will admit.
>  
>      Look him right in the eye and ask in the your most astounded voice:
>  
>      "2?"
>  
>      The dealer will shrivel up like a snail with salt poured on it!
>  
>      If you have enough Apple-only dealers in your town, you and a friend
> can make an afternoon of it! And every time you walk out of one of thos
> places, after rightfully humbling those toadies, you feel at one with
> nature, and animals will cross the street to be near you.
>  
>      Heh heh heh.
>  
>      I'm sorry, before I got off on all the Apple stuff, (by the way,
> I don't want everyone thinking I hate Apple computers. That was just a
> little good-natured prod to remind the folks at Apple which half of
> the 80's we are in.) I wuz talkin' about censoring TV programs for
> the sake of our chidrens' language.  Okay, do this:
>  
>      Tonight when you go home, walk up to your kid and ask him/her to
> complete this sentence:
>  
>      "Mike Tyson is one bad mother _______!"
>  
>      Your kid'll look you straight in the eye and say:
>  
>      "Fuhka."
>  
>      This is the exact and true nature of what censoring TV movies
> accomplishes.