csa2 chronicles: the next generation?

[pubpc1@library.ucla.edu]

Captains log:  We've been trapped here in the delta quadrant for over
two years, inching our way back to Federation space.  Recently, scans
have indicated traces of a dilithium power signature, indicating
alpha quadrant technology.  We are moving to investigate.

<Janeway>  Mr. Kim, what have you got on that power signature?
<Kim>  Still too far to tell, captain, but it is definitely a
       dilitium mater/antimater reaction, almost identical to our
       warp engines but hundreds of times more powerful.
<Janeway>  If these are engines, could ones that use an energy
       source of this magnitude take us back to Federation space?
<Kim>  They could be using the power to create an artificial
       wormhole, a stable transwarp field, who knows?
<Tuvok>  Mr. Kim, such conjectures have very little probability.
<Janeway>  I'm willing to try anything to get us home.  Mr. Paris,
       take us in, best possible speed.
<Paris>  Aye, setting course, warp 9.

[The Federation Starship Voyager races through space toward the
source of the power signature.  As they go under way, Commander
Chakotay falls into a trance...]

<Janeway>  Chakotay, what is it?
<Chakotay>  I am having a vision quest...flames...burning...
        horrible...
<Kim>  Captain, we are within range.
<Janeway>  Put it on screen.

[An whirling multicolor image appears on the screen...]

<Janeway>  It's a wormhole!  But where does it lead to?
<Kim>  Scans indicate a stable wormhole to the alpha quadrant.
<Janeway>  Great!  We're going home!
<Tuvok>  Wait, I would advise launching a probe first to determine
         the intense dilitium signature.
<Janeway>  Good idea, Tuvok.  Ensign Torres, ready a probe.
<Torres>  Launching.  Telemetry returning...Captain, the alpha
          quadrant has been destroyed!
<Janeway>  What?
<Torres>  There was apparently a war shortly after we left.  They
          were using Flamestations.
<Janeway>  My God, weapons of mass destruction!
<Tuvok>  Flamestations were known to cause mass insanity, leading
         people to kill each other.
<Janeway>  Are there any survivors?
<Torres>  Only a few.  They are:

        Subject 1:  Nathan Mates
        Species:  Romulan
        Traits:  Romulan computers are the best in the alpha
                 quadrant.  Romulans are known for their firery
                 tempers and arrogant behavior.  Nathan Mates
                 was a most disagreeable Romulan.

        Subject 2:  Charles Turley
        Species:  Orion
        Traits:  The Orions are pirates.  They do not have
                 clearly defined genders.  Orions are known for
                 their mean behavior as well.

        Subject 3:  Joe Kohn
        Species:  Ferengi
        Traits:  The Ferengi are businessmen.  They are out to
                 make a buck, no matter how dirty the method.
                 Joe Kohn was actually known to post advertisements
                 about his paper based information exchange on
                 the network more than once.  [Gasp!]

        Subject 4:  Sam Ismail
        Species:  Klingon
        Traits:  Aggressive behavior.  Destructive.  Known to be
                 enemies with the Romulans.

        Subject 5:  Endless Mike
        Species:  Tellarian
        Traits:  Piglike in appearance.  Likes to insult people for
                 no apparent reason.  Apparently, this Tellarian
                 destroyed the alpha quadrant by using Flamestations
                 to project the idea that Apple II technology was
                 worthless.

<Janeway>  What?  Apple II technology is the basis of all alpha
           quadrant based computer systems.  Our isolinear chips
           and bioneural processors crunch Apple II code.
<Neelix>  Wait a minute, what is an Apple II?

[The viewscreen changed from the view of the wormhole to sickbay...
the holographic doctor is speaking...]

<Doctor>  Let me explain.  The Apple II was the first truly expandable
          personal computer, first developed in the 20th century.
          There were some shortlived attempts to replace it with
          inferior architectures: the IBM PCs and the Macs, for example,
          were used up to the 21st century and seemed to replace
          the Apple II until it was discovered that John Sculley and
          Bill Gates were trying to control the world.
<Paris>  Sculley and Gates, they were as notorious as Khan was in the
         Eugenics war.
<Doctor>  Yes, they tried to control the world, but they failed.  When
          intelligent computers began appearing, they could only be
          based on the superior design of the Apple II.  The Knight
          Industries 2000, for example, was a late 20th century
          ground rover that crunched Applesoft BASIC code.
<Kim>  I remember studying an archive that showed that, I think it
       was called "Knight Rider"...
<Doctor>  There was also the Cyberdyne Systems Terminator series
          cyborgs, which used Apple II assembly code.  In the 23rd
          century, the breakthrough of isolinear chips by the Dystrom
          institute was based on an extended 65816 design.  Even
          the advanced bioneural systems on Voyager are descended from
          Apple II stock.
<Neelix>  That is impressive.  Let's go through the wormhole to the
          alpha quadrant, then.
<Janeway>  I'm afraid we can't do that.  That idiot Endless Mike has
           flooded the alpha quadrant with anti-Apple II delusions.

[Just then, Kes runs onto the bridge...]

<Kes>  Please Captain, I'm already 2 years old.  I'll be dead in less
       than eight years!
<Janeway>  OK, Ensign Torres, see if you can modulate the shield
           harmonics to reflect the anti-Apple II delusions.
<Torres>  I could shield us for five hours, but then we would be
          succeptible.
<Janeway>  Mr. Paris, set shields to maximum and take us through the
           wormhole...

[Voyager pops back to the alpha quadrant, aka comp.sys.apple2.  Scenes
of destruction everywhere...a lone shuttle appears, it is crippled.]

<Janeway>  Beam the survivors on board.
<Chakotay>  Energizing...its Nathan Mates, Joe Kohn, Charles Turley
            and Sam Ismail.
<Paris>  This is the first time I've seen a Romulan, a Ferengi,
         an Orion, and a Klingon working together.
<Nathan Mates>  We decided to make peace to fight Endless Mike.
<Joe Kohn>  He sucked away profits.
<Charles Turley>  Nothing to pirate.
<Sam Ismail>  He has less honor than even Nathan Mates.  The enemy
              of my enemy is my friend.

[Just then, Voyager is attacked, fried circuits crackle, smoke is
everywhere...]

<Janeway>  Damage report!
<Chakotay>  It is bad.  My vision quest predicted this.  Endless
            Mike has flamed our bioneural gel packs.  We are running
            on emergency power only.
<Paris>  He's moving in for the kill.
<Janeway>  Torres, we need phasers NOW.
<Torres>  We are short four bioneural gel packs.  We can't charge
          up the main phaser couplings without them.
<Joe Kohn>  Wait, Nate, Sam, Charlie, and I each have an Apple IIgs.
<Nathan Mates>  They can be re-coded to perform the functions of the
            gel packs.
<Sam Ismail>  That's right, bioneural circuits are based on Apple II
              design!
<Paris>  But how can we fool him to buy the time for the modifications?
<Charles Turley>  Let me speak to the fool.  I can spin yarns that
                  will drive him crazy.
<Kim>  Comm link open.
<Charles Turly>  4D sound is achieved by harmonizing the soul...
<Endless Mike>  No...no more torture...no...

[Dr. Tom continues to speak of his VAMPs readme file while Endless
Mike screams in the background...]

<Torres>  Captain, you have phasers!
<Janeway>  Lock on phasers, FIRE!

[Endless Mike's ship begins to grow red-hot...his Flamestations spits
out increasingly vulgar flames...Voyager is rocked, shields buckling...]

<Chakotay>  We can't hold out much longer.
<Janeway>  Photon torpedoes!
<Tuvok>  Autolock is out, aiming manually, torpedoes away...

[Big explosion, Endless Mike is destroyed!]

<Janeway>  Now that there is peace, let's rebuild comp.sys.apple2.
           I hope this shows how working together can accomplish
           great things.  Apple II Forever!